I Refuse this Late Chapter 11
When I sat up, Stella asked, “Are you okay?”
I said nothing. I was caught in the realization I was not allowed to be happy.
All the blissful moments I shared with Jolene suddenly seemed like a dream.
And now that I had woken up, I must return fo the darkness.
Stella waited. But since I didn’t speak, she slowly approached and sat on my bed, eventually reaching out to feel my temperature.
“Don’t touch me,” I rasped. “I’ll get sick whenever you do.”
Stella paused, her eyes moist with tears-a look the haughty girlboss had never shown me before.
She began, “John, I didn’t know—”
I turned sharply towards her, stopping her as I glared at her under the moon’s glow.
Even the guilt on her face felt fake to me.
“Do you really not know?” I asked quietly, even as I felt the phantom pain on my left foot. “Oh, but I think you do –when it comes to loan sharks, a beating is mercy, while dismemberment is the standard operating procedure. Or you’re saying you didn’t know that either?
“Oh, but I think you knew. But because Uriah painted a picture that you hoped to see, you played dumb.”
Stella pursed her lips, the guilt showing even clearer on her face. “I made a mistake, John… Can’t we just start over?”
I ignored her and continued, “When I visited Grandpa, he was already really sick. The doctor said he needed surgery right away. But I didn’t have the money.
“My parents didn’t answer, and when I called you, you snapped at me for not thinking about what I was doing just to get closer to you.
“Those rich kids you spoke of-the ones you thought were my friends? They made me lick their shoes and threw a couple hundred dollar bills at my face. They did that just so they could show that a mongrel like me doesn’t deserve the great Ms. Lewis.
“Because no one gave me any money no matter how I begged, Grandpa died at the hospital. I didn’t even have the money to bury him, so I had to go to those loan sharks. I did it because I thought I could afford to repay them
anyway.
“I used the money for Grandpa’ funeral, but they came chasing me down even before the deadline.
“I could run-I could hide, so they threatened to exhume Grandpa and desecrate his corpse.
“That’s why I had no other choice than to pin all my hopes on you… Stella Lewis.
“But as it turns out, it was the worst choice of my life.
“Because you had to run your mouth, I suffered for two weeks-made to live like a dog, eat like a dog, tied to a wall like a dog.
“But that’s just the beginning.”
I got out of bed and turned on the lights, then walked up to Stella as I rolled up my left trouser leg, where the bloody holes had yet to heal.
“Creepy, isn’t it?” I asked. “Could you imagine how much this hurts?”
She averted her eyes, so I pressed, “Look at me.”
Instead, she rushed to the door as if to flee.
I didn’t move and rasped, “Just let me go already.”
She opened the door and paused. But instead of answering, she said, “Just stay here until you recover. We can still
She stopped herself, realizing that the timing was inappropriate, and instead said, “Just get some rest.”
However, I didn’t bother to wait.
I went over and sat on the windowsill, staring out into the distant lights.
One of those lights used to be lit for my sake.
So, why was I suffering like this?
The winds were strong that night, but it wasn’t clearing my head-if anything, my mind was even more muddled.
Did I have to keep living like this?
I had no family, and the love of my life wasn’t with me. Why live and impose on others?
And Grandpa died because of me, didn’t he?
If only I had never followed the Sullivans home-if only I had never clung so hard to Stella.
I looked down and noticed then that I was two floors up.
If I jumped, I would either survive and make it back to Jolene’s side or be left paraplegic.
Either way, neither option was worse than the present.
